Kris Plachy: The prize never chases. Let's talk about it. Here we go.

Welcome. Welcome to the podcast today. I am Kris Plachy. This is Leadership Is Feminine, and I'm so thrilled that you're here. If this is your first visit, welcome, welcome. And if you are a long time listener, thank you for tuning in. And if you haven't done so, and you've been here a while and you love this podcast, would you do me a favor and go write a quick testimonial? It's right there. Super easy. Hit five stars, and then just couple sentences of why you tune in every week. I'd love to hear from you. Thank you for doing that.

So today I wanna talk to you about a phrase that I learned years ago. The prize never chases. My coach at the time, Brooke Castillo, shared that with me and it stuck. I love bumper sticker statements. I always have. I'm a bumper sticker kind of gal. I don't like people who sending me big, old fat emails. I like sentences that are easy to follow, short and sweet.

The prize never chases. Let's talk about what that means. Although I do believe it's relatively self-explanatory. You are the prize and you do not chase. Okay, now that we cleared that up, what's the problem with that sentence? Why is it that not everybody lives by that? Because you don't believe you're a prize. You don't see yourself as a prize, and when you don't experience yourself as a prize, you don't believe that you are worthy of not chasing. When we lack self-worth, we chase people to meet our needs, to do what we ask, to do a good job, to finish what they said they would. Let's insert here. Right?

So one of the premises of what I've been teaching for years, and have probably said more than once on this podcast, is that one of the core attributes you have to work on as a leader is self worth, because self worth is where you hold space that you personally are worthy of being supported, listened to, respected. Now I know that most of my listeners are women, so I can feel you all listening to this and saying like, "Ooh, ouch. That feels like a lifelong mission."

You know what? It kind of is because- and I wanna talk to you about this epiphanous moment I had on one of my famous walks, and I was thinking about why do women struggle so much to sit at the leadership helm of their business with all of the emotional challenges, the guilt, the low self-confidence, the the insecurity and decision making? Sometimes we make ourselves helpless and paralyzed in our own business. We subject ourselves and allow ourselves to tolerate all sorts of crazy stuff from our team members. Why do women do that uniquely, differently than men?

Because I have coached a lot of men, and I will tell you that while there are some men that that's an issue, those kinds of issues also, you know, it's not as common. Like, honestly, I do coach women who are prominent elite visionaries in the world and they still struggle with lack of confidence, with lack of self-worth.

In fact, some of my most successful clients let other people treat them terribly; their children, their spouses, their employees. What is that about? Self-worth. So what's the unique difference between women and men?

And so I started thinking about it and I started thinking about how insidious this is for us, all the way from the time children are born. I'm speaking primarily of the society I grew up in, which is here in the US. I'm sure that in other parts of the world it's more or less, but let's just go with this basic premise that even as young, young, young, young people, little girls are taught that their job is to support others to look pretty, to smile, to be helpful, right?

Think about what we do in the classrooms. Who do teachers usually have as their helper? When we have big family events? Who sets the table? Who cooks the meal? Who makes sure that everybody has an appetizer? What are the men doing? I don't know about you, but I remember my big family gatherings and all the men were in the TV room watching whatever the game was, while the women were all fussing, and doing all the things, and making sure that the men had what they needed. "Honey, do you need another drink? Do you, do you need some appetizer? Do you need a napkin?" Women are taught from the time they're tiny that their job is to support other people, not to be supported.

And I'm not talking about financially, I'm talking about emotionally, psychically, energetically, we're taught to think about other people first. No wonder it's freaking impossible to unwind that as a 50 year old woman. Until you tell yourself that truth. Until you start to see the truth of this whole long life that you've lived, not that it's been wrong, because it hasn't been, but it has been.

And as a result of that, now here you are, this elite quote unquote, athlete, entrepreneur, visionary, right? You're a thoroughbred. You have built this incredible business, and yet you still feel like you have to ask permission for your needs to be met. And so we chase. I have had cause to use this now a lot.

And I have to say to whoever coined the phrase, 'the prize never chases', I wanna apologize to you because I don't know who you are. I know that that phrase came from somewhere, but I was given it by someone who also didn't know where it came from. So if you happen to ever listen to this podcast and you're like, "Hey, I did that 27 years ago", tell me about it, cuz I wanna know. I wanna know who you are.

But nonetheless, that phrase has changed my life. So, I want you to think about areas of your life where you chase, so we can just have the smattering of columns on a piece of paper, if that applies. Women chase their children for feedback, for responsiveness for love. Women chase partners. They chase them on text. They chase them in apps. They chase them by driving by their house. They do weird things, right? There are women who chase unavailable partners. Why?

Where else do you chase? You also might chase at work. Here you are, this successful CEO. You hire people. They don't do what they say they will. You keep chasing them, hoping they'll just finally help and do it the way you want and get it done and meet a deadline. And so you keep chasing, you do it with clients.

I just had an exchange with another client. She referred someone to me, which I love. I love when I get a referral. So I wrote, reached out, said "Hello, I'd love to talk with you" to this referral. No response. I did it one more time. No response. So I let my client know and say, "Hey, it's just a heads up. I haven't heard back". And of course she was somewhat mortified, which I don't want her to be cuz it has nothing to do with her and it doesn't change my opinion of her at all. But I wrote in there "The prize never chases. I'm not chasing someone to get my attention. I, I am a prize. You want time with me? Get it. Ask for it. I'm not chasing you."

So I wonder what happens in your brain as you're listening to me. Are you like, "Yeah!" Or are you like, "Whoa, wait a minute, what's happening?" Because of course, women aren't supposed to think like this either, right? We're supposed to be demure and humble and passive. I don't think the younger versions of all of ourselves are experiencing the same world that we did. I'm 53. My daughter's life is very different than mine, which I'm happy about, but she'll have her own struggles.

But still, I think that that motto needs to be like on your face. And I want you to look at those columns, and I want you to ask yourself and be really honest with yourself. Where are you chasing? Where are you chasing for attention, for support, for responsiveness, for validation for love? Where do you chase?

And then, what is the dynamic then that happens when you put yourself in a position of chasing who are you in that dynamic? Are you acquiescent tolerant, appeasing? Are you yourself in that relationship? If you're chasing, is that person even getting the best version of you, or are they getting the version of you that thinks that she is unworthy, who has actually made the other person the prize in her mind?

I like to think that everybody I bring into my company is a prize. I really feel very strongly that I want to bring people into my world who are those people who are elite and exceptional. But I won't chase. I won't chase someone who thinks they're a prize but doesn't deliver at the elite level. I won't do that. I don't care how great people think they are. And I don't care how great their experience is or their talent is, I will not chase.

And I had to learn that really hard in personal relationships. I think that's why, as we get older, a lot of us will say we have less and less girlfriends, or we have less people that we spend time with. Because it just becomes too exhausting to chase people who you think who could be good friend of yours, if they don't respond or if they make it difficult to be your friend. I'm not interested in that.

What matters to you, love? Because you're worth it. You're so worth it. You're so worth being surrounded by people, an energy that lifts you up, that seeks to hold the space for your highest self, who listens to you, honors you, helps you cultivate this next level version of yourself. All of those elements are true. The prize does not chase. So let's end the chasing today. I'll talk to you next time.

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